a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Every concussion has its silver lining
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Can you bring me the toilet please
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
