you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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