woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
