3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
