Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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