so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
