Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Mom said you looked used
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
