I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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