Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
