I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
