margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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