go do what you do best...puke behind churches
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
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