Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
