bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
