I wish I only lived at night.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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