Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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