It was confusing and full of hummus
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
