so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
