I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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