my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
