I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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