I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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