Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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