Pregnant stripper...not hot.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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