I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
