Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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