I murdered the dance floor call the cops
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
