Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
