Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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