The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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