i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
