Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
