Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
