Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
