Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
