Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
