I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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