I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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