People with herpes should wear stickers.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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