jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
