I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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