No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize