I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
