Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
