I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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