Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
