I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
