oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
