Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
