i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
