Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
