Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
