so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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