Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
