Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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