For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
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