Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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