As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
