guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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