her vagina looked like bernie madoff
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
